this is actually the first time eveerrr that i'll be sharing these thoughts, i never had enough guts to talk about this but i am feeling very emotional after reading one of his e-mails to me so i would just like to share.. to ease it up a bit. yeas, kat the cat is sad. it's kinda long but worth to read so just bare with me.
I
know I shouldn't care. I shouldn't feel anything anymore. But why is it that
everytime I'm reminded, I can still feel the pain. My heart still
suffers the misery. I am still affected. Not with the pain that you've caused
me. But with the pain that I've caused both of us. It's been over a year but
the memories we've shared are still fresh in my mind. Things will never be the
same again, that I know for sure. I don't really wish for it to be back because
I can see we're happy the way we are now. I just want the hurting to stop.
I know letting you go was one of the biggest mistakes in my life, if only I was
that strong to hold on with your immaturity maybe till now I still have the
happiness I had when I was with you. I am fully aware of that, thanks to my
close friends and family. Why did I have to make the 'wrong' decision or was it
a wrong decision in the first place?! I don't necessarily want to bring back
the past, I just want to prepare myself for the future. I want to look you in
the eye and say hey I'm okay but why can't i?. If I could undo everything, I definitely would. Why
am I hurting still, you ask? Probably because it's only now that I fully
realize how important you really are to me and how clean and real your
intentions were with me before.. For every guy that passes, I realize more and
more how different you are from them, how 'perfect' you are. But I guess, it's
never gonna be. It's just a sad reality in my life that I must stop myself from
wallowing and reminiscing over and over again..because honestly? I still cry
whenever I remember the last lines u said to me..oh the torture and how terrified
i was. Things don't happen for a reason. I'm sorry for the pain I've
caused you. I'm sorry for not appreciating what you've done for me before..
He’ll never know how much I missed him.he wont
see it in my face... he'll never know that.ill never find another guy that could take his place... because I'll be smiling when I see him ..well i hope yes.ehh no.
my tears won't ever show..I will always love him because he'll always have a special place
here in my heart. but he’ll never gonna know that because its too
late..& I know that I should just let go,
because I know that it won't work out & everyone tells me that. So I
try to convince myself that its better off that way without HIM. But
then I'll think of him & I can't imagine myself again with anyone else right now but i am not closing any doors to people am gonna face , & no matter
how hard it will be, I’ll deal with this. But most probably, I’ll be
loving him for a very long time.. I’ll just continue what I want to do and move
on because in reality its a bizarre form of torture and I'm just not willing to
participate in anymore..
Now,
I am being unfair to people who are there for me. People who love me and care
for me, I lost my interest in love right after my third relationship with jovic..
nothing worked out and it had hurt me so baaad man, but I still believe that I’ll be feeling the same love
or even more and the happiness
that I felt before..mm. I am still contemplating.. thinking that what if we didn’t
last and that 1 year continued .. I was never lucky with the
relationships I had after you but on the other hand it taught me so many things
that I’ll be carrying on and remembering in my life because all the memories we
shared ad the happiness you brought are worth to keep here in my heart..
